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Posts Tagged ‘women’

There is a very specific way in which our parents’ generation view gender norms, especially with regards to marriage for their children in western society. It is different to the culture they left behind when they migrated here (which has since progressed without them) and unlike the western culture in the country they now call home (which they find too ‘white’). Gendered hypocrisy in Bengali culture regarding marriage is a specific topic but its themes will resonate regardless of culture or marital status.

A while back, I was speaking to a friend about an arranged marriage prospect she was looking into, and she mentioned feeling the scrutiny of ‘aunties’ who wanted to know details of her life in order to find her a ‘good match’. These aunties do have a rightful place in Bengali culture where they effectively play the role of Tinder and the first few dates. Their detective work and CIA -like connections provide details of potential spouses that otherwise require multiple dates and a lot of ‘research’ aka online stalking – you know what I mean – who hasn’t googled a name and then looked into their FB, LinkedIn, Instagram etc etc.!

Anyway! These aunties are not perfect and many of them are a product of a socio-economic upbringing that reinforces Bangladeshi middle class stereotypes of gendered norms. So when these same women are tasked to ‘match up’ modern, young things living in a western country (or even modern young things from Bangladesh!) – There is a big discrepancy in what is acceptable and what they find acceptable.

Now that alone would be fine – everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but when you hold the soft glossy paper of a beautiful young woman’s bio data in your hands and you have the power to shape how other people will receive information about her – your prejudices can do more harm than good.

Case in point – a young man and woman in our ‘community’ started seeing each other. Word got out and here are a few ‘rumours’ that were spread:

‘That girl is so modern. Too modern! How shameful for her parents that she’s dating so openly in public’

‘You know her dad works really long hours, doesn’t have time to teach her anything and her mum let’s her do whatever she wants.’

‘Who will marry her now if she breaks up with him? EVERYONE knows about them!’

Notice something? Not a single one of these ‘rumours’ is about the young man. Instead the aunties, the uncles and the community all spread gossip about the girl and even her family. First of all – it is none of your business what she does and who she does it with. You aren’t neighbourhood watch and even if you were this isn’t a kidnapping. Secondly – why bring her parents into this? If you are going to judge someone, judge them on their actions alone. Don’t bring in their family! And lastly – don’t you remember being young and single? Don’t you remember facing this same barrage of scrutiny and relentless criticism? Have some empathy!

When the couple broke up – the same aunties went on to say, ‘I told you – no one wants a fast girl, they will date her but not marry her. It’s not in our culture’.

Again, completely missing from these conversations is any comment directed towards the other 50% of the equation – aka the young man. The woman is to blame for being interested in someone, for dating them AND for breaking up with them because of course it was her fault.

When these same women sat down to discuss matching up ‘kids’, they bring these rumours to the fore and mothers seeking ‘beautiful, young, white girls’ for their ‘handsome, accomplished sons’ will look aghast at the prospect and move on.

Does it matter to these aunties that the ‘handsome accomplished son’ who is stated as ‘6ft and fair’ in his bio data is actually 5’8 and not (that fair)? Nope

Does it matter that he’s had a string of girlfriends that everyone knows about? Nope.

Does it matter that he has bad habits and his partying and spending is out of control? Nope.

Why? Because in our culture the man is ‘young and impressionable’ and ‘biye korle shob thik hoi jabe’ which means ‘everything will be alright after marriage’ Why? How? Is it because you are going to marry him off to a virginal young woman who will magically be able to reign him in and discipline him in a way you as his mother have not been able to? She has to be young enough so that you can mould her to your liking, pretty enough to entice your son, but also mature enough to be able to discipline him.

Add to that now she has to be accomplished (but not more than him. God forbid she has a PhD and he doesn’t), she has to be shorter and younger than him (yes our men (or at least their mommies) have complexes.

I feel that even young men and women raised in western societies are not as progressive as we would like them to be because of the sheltered communities they live in and the lack of intelligence and broad mindedness in those spheres. Parents need to stop being scared of their kids becoming ‘white’ or out of control if they mix with broader society. Even people ‘back home’ in Bangladesh have moved on from such narrow thinking!

It has been disappointing to see young men and women go through this embarrassing rumour mill process and yet, once they are through, somehow forget all about it and continue to propagate these same stereo types and play the same ‘aunty role’. If you adopt this mindset even though you’ve had the good fortune to be raised in a more open and tolerant society, then you will only end up teaching your kids the same thing and not breaking this vicious cycle. So to the young men and women out there who are being matched up and entering the world of parenting, please make sure you teach your kids about being more accepting so that we eventually phase out these old fashioned stereotypes within the next generation or two!

Why? Because this mindset is not only narrow and unforgiving, it’s also dangerous. There are women out there who have genuinely admitted they would stay in abusive relationships if it meant financial security. There are young women out there who see their dads beating their mums and not doing anything about it. That’s hard to listen to. It takes great effort not just stand up to your parents but to acknowledge that change begins within yourself and that sometimes even though you are younger – you have to guide your elders.

I know I might sound really mean and/or prejudiced towards men. I am not trying to be. There are great men out there and I know many of them. But men – it’s also your responsibility to correct this incorrect way of thinking and approaching gender norms not only regarding marriage but in all walks of life.

If your mother brings you a bio data of an 18 yr old and you are a 31 yr old man – allow it man! How much will you have in common with someone so young? Let her live! And make sure your own bio data hasn’t been spun to talk up your height and complexion!

If your father tells you, ‘there is no point pursuing this girl, she earns more than you.’ Stand up for her and let them know that financial parity is more than acceptable to you and you will live with it happily.

If the aunty at the party makes a snide comment about you being a stay-at-home dad, while your wife works, call her out and let her know that you were equally responsible for bringing your baby into the world and therefore equally responsible for its upbringing.

If your co-worker makes sexist jokes about the new girl in the office and her skirt, tell him off. Make sure he and others know it is not ok.

If they guy on the bus is staring at the woman sitting opposite him, move and stand in the way and make eye contact with him. I see you boy!

Girls – don’t put up with the judgement. Don’t let it get you down. You do you and you be you. Together we will outlive old notions of gender norms and encourage our children to be better.

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Like much of what we see on the news these days, the burqini issue was all consuming when it trended but ephemeral in its media shelf life. Media outlets would rather repeat what Donald Trump has to say over and over again. Given he repeats himself often, the double repetition serves as a hypnotic trance to which America and the world is slowly falling prey. But that’s another topic for another day. Right now I want to focus on the burqini – because as we’ve seen – the outrage was fleeting and victory was sweet. When the High Court of France overturned the burqini ban, everyone patted themselves on the back and got back to their daily lives, even though several French mayors said they will continue to fine those wearing the burqini despite the high court’s decision. David Rachline, the mayor of Frejus, called the court’s ruling a “victory for radical Islam” and said the city’s ban on the garment will remain.

What does this mean? Has any extremist group issues a fatwa that the burqini must be worn? How is a piece of cloth a representation of any radical faith? The answer is simple – It isn’t. But the concept itself is not so simple. Attached to this simple answer are socio-economic issues; racism, deep rooted misogyny and the male gaze and most of all Islamophobia. But I am not a stranger to complex and concurrent themes. I am a Muslim Australian born in Bangladesh and living in Canberra. My identity is rich in its history and known for its struggle. I am Muslim and Islam is known for ….well a lot. Google it and you’ll see. I am Australian and this country is nothing if not the land of the underdog. I am Bangladeshi and take pride in my county’s victorious independence after years of oppression. And I am woman – by virtue of that fact I am struggle personified. Struggling to be accepted, to be recognised, to be valued, to be free.

When I was 10, my school used to take us swimming and very soon I became the recipient of an award that authoritatively confirmed my floating skills. Then I moved schools and although my love for being in the water grew with each visit to the beautiful beaches of NSW – my aquatic skills did not. This was largely due to the fact that if I wanted to do anything more than dip my feet into the water I had to wear a swimming costume, Lycra tights or pants, a long sleeved shirt, a cap and a scarf.

Every time I went into the water dressed to the nines while bikini clad women swarmed around me – I was less conscious of people watching me than I was of the sand working its way into each and every layer and the dread building up inside me of have to wash it all out. It didn’t matter which beach I went to – no one cared what I was wearing. No one stared, commented or showed that they were offended. Everyone was more than happy to enjoy the beach in their own way. And so I stubbornly continued to layer up and venture out till the water reached my knees because I was too scared to go any further.

Then 2.5 years ago – I got married. And my husband, God bless him, started teaching me how to swim. First at the local pool, where he waited patiently before and after each session while I worked myself in and out of all my layers, and then at the beach. It was at the beach that my friend flaunted her Ahiida burqini and encouraged me to get one. I went online and made my purchase of a loose fitting green and pink suit with cap for $80AUD. A few weeks later my purchase arrived and I made my way to the beach. I cannot explain to you the joy of entering (and leaving) the water in this amazing creation. The material is light yet loose, the design is stylish yet thoughtful (shout out to the strings keeping the top tied to the pants so your top doesn’t float up and reveal anything) and the sensation of water against skin is not minimised at all. The best part – it dried on my body within 10-15 min of getting out of the water. No more strategically placed towels on the car seat, no more sandy wet tugging of numerous layers. This thing was a godsend. And everywhere I wore it people stared… and then smiled. Because they could see this piece of cloth I was wearing was making me radical…. Radically happy. I was ecstatic! My love of the water and outdoors was finally able to be expressed alongside my faith.  

Unfortunately not everyone has the same positive experience. My friends have been taunted and abused and akin to women in France – they felt humiliated and ashamed for no good reason. Thankfully, the need to isolate and radicalise a garment based on who wears it is being turned on its head as Burqini sales have skyrocketed since it’s been in the limelight and non-Muslim women are purchasing the burqini for various reasons including “skin cancer or body image, moms, women who are not comfortable exposing their skin—they’re all wearing it.” Asian women have been wearing face masks to the beach to protect their skin for years, not to mention nuns, Goths and other people of a race culture or creed who wear clothing or symbols of their faith or identity.

There is no good reason to stop a woman from wearing something they feel comfortable in – this is discrimination.
There is no good reason to prevent a woman from enjoying herself in clothes that define her identity – this is racism.
There is no good reason to dictate to a woman what she can and cannot wear – this is sexism. 

It saddens me that those in positions of authority that have been elected to serve and protect the people are the ones who greedily perpetuate the economics of fear. They who have been elected to oversee peaceful and harmonious societies are the ones sprouting hate speech and dividing communities with ignorance. They who claim to be democratic and stand for the freedoms and liberties of all, are the ones robbing women of their right to be and act as they wish without the diction of misogyny oppressing their actions. And so we women continue to be struggle personified. We continue to wear what we want and act as we do in physical protest of the ignorant rantings of men who neither understand the values of freedom and liberty nor wish to avail it to anyone besides themselves. Society can radicalise my burqini and lace my identity with its vitriol but it won’t’ dissuade me from enjoying what I love. To get in the water and appreciate the beauty and bounty God has provided us with… in my burqini.

burkini-ban

 

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Tell me do I look opressed, unhygenic or like a terrorist in these pictures to you? If you said yes to any of them above then please click here and check yourself!

Kudos to the creator of the Burkini – Ahiida designs.

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The US presidential election has given not just Americans, but citizens of the world much cause for concern. As the candidates have whittled down from a flurry of Republicans each as stupid and dangerous as the other, we’ve been left with the most dangerous one of them all – A man who doesn’t value his word.

Each time Donald Trump opens his mouth, it’s to say something rude, offensive, racist and/or sexist. His comments are mostly outright lies if not grossly misleading and he has been successfully misleading the American public for the last several months. Trump may or may not be broke and this may or may not all be a big publicity stunt but what worries me is the vitriolic hate speech and actions that he seems to have legitimised in the minds of his followers and supporters…

Read the full article HERE.

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