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There is a very specific way in which our parents’ generation view gender norms, especially with regards to marriage for their children in western society. It is different to the culture they left behind when they migrated here (which has since progressed without them) and unlike the western culture in the country they now call home (which they find too ‘white’). Gendered hypocrisy in Bengali culture regarding marriage is a specific topic but its themes will resonate regardless of culture or marital status.

A while back, I was speaking to a friend about an arranged marriage prospect she was looking into, and she mentioned feeling the scrutiny of ‘aunties’ who wanted to know details of her life in order to find her a ‘good match’. These aunties do have a rightful place in Bengali culture where they effectively play the role of Tinder and the first few dates. Their detective work and CIA -like connections provide details of potential spouses that otherwise require multiple dates and a lot of ‘research’ aka online stalking – you know what I mean – who hasn’t googled a name and then looked into their FB, LinkedIn, Instagram etc etc.!

Anyway! These aunties are not perfect and many of them are a product of a socio-economic upbringing that reinforces Bangladeshi middle class stereotypes of gendered norms. So when these same women are tasked to ‘match up’ modern, young things living in a western country (or even modern young things from Bangladesh!) – There is a big discrepancy in what is acceptable and what they find acceptable.

Now that alone would be fine – everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but when you hold the soft glossy paper of a beautiful young woman’s bio data in your hands and you have the power to shape how other people will receive information about her – your prejudices can do more harm than good.

Case in point – a young man and woman in our ‘community’ started seeing each other. Word got out and here are a few ‘rumours’ that were spread:

‘That girl is so modern. Too modern! How shameful for her parents that she’s dating so openly in public’

‘You know her dad works really long hours, doesn’t have time to teach her anything and her mum let’s her do whatever she wants.’

‘Who will marry her now if she breaks up with him? EVERYONE knows about them!’

Notice something? Not a single one of these ‘rumours’ is about the young man. Instead the aunties, the uncles and the community all spread gossip about the girl and even her family. First of all – it is none of your business what she does and who she does it with. You aren’t neighbourhood watch and even if you were this isn’t a kidnapping. Secondly – why bring her parents into this? If you are going to judge someone, judge them on their actions alone. Don’t bring in their family! And lastly – don’t you remember being young and single? Don’t you remember facing this same barrage of scrutiny and relentless criticism? Have some empathy!

When the couple broke up – the same aunties went on to say, ‘I told you – no one wants a fast girl, they will date her but not marry her. It’s not in our culture’.

Again, completely missing from these conversations is any comment directed towards the other 50% of the equation – aka the young man. The woman is to blame for being interested in someone, for dating them AND for breaking up with them because of course it was her fault.

When these same women sat down to discuss matching up ‘kids’, they bring these rumours to the fore and mothers seeking ‘beautiful, young, white girls’ for their ‘handsome, accomplished sons’ will look aghast at the prospect and move on.

Does it matter to these aunties that the ‘handsome accomplished son’ who is stated as ‘6ft and fair’ in his bio data is actually 5’8 and not (that fair)? Nope

Does it matter that he’s had a string of girlfriends that everyone knows about? Nope.

Does it matter that he has bad habits and his partying and spending is out of control? Nope.

Why? Because in our culture the man is ‘young and impressionable’ and ‘biye korle shob thik hoi jabe’ which means ‘everything will be alright after marriage’ Why? How? Is it because you are going to marry him off to a virginal young woman who will magically be able to reign him in and discipline him in a way you as his mother have not been able to? She has to be young enough so that you can mould her to your liking, pretty enough to entice your son, but also mature enough to be able to discipline him.

Add to that now she has to be accomplished (but not more than him. God forbid she has a PhD and he doesn’t), she has to be shorter and younger than him (yes our men (or at least their mommies) have complexes.

I feel that even young men and women raised in western societies are not as progressive as we would like them to be because of the sheltered communities they live in and the lack of intelligence and broad mindedness in those spheres. Parents need to stop being scared of their kids becoming ‘white’ or out of control if they mix with broader society. Even people ‘back home’ in Bangladesh have moved on from such narrow thinking!

It has been disappointing to see young men and women go through this embarrassing rumour mill process and yet, once they are through, somehow forget all about it and continue to propagate these same stereo types and play the same ‘aunty role’. If you adopt this mindset even though you’ve had the good fortune to be raised in a more open and tolerant society, then you will only end up teaching your kids the same thing and not breaking this vicious cycle. So to the young men and women out there who are being matched up and entering the world of parenting, please make sure you teach your kids about being more accepting so that we eventually phase out these old fashioned stereotypes within the next generation or two!

Why? Because this mindset is not only narrow and unforgiving, it’s also dangerous. There are women out there who have genuinely admitted they would stay in abusive relationships if it meant financial security. There are young women out there who see their dads beating their mums and not doing anything about it. That’s hard to listen to. It takes great effort not just stand up to your parents but to acknowledge that change begins within yourself and that sometimes even though you are younger – you have to guide your elders.

I know I might sound really mean and/or prejudiced towards men. I am not trying to be. There are great men out there and I know many of them. But men – it’s also your responsibility to correct this incorrect way of thinking and approaching gender norms not only regarding marriage but in all walks of life.

If your mother brings you a bio data of an 18 yr old and you are a 31 yr old man – allow it man! How much will you have in common with someone so young? Let her live! And make sure your own bio data hasn’t been spun to talk up your height and complexion!

If your father tells you, ‘there is no point pursuing this girl, she earns more than you.’ Stand up for her and let them know that financial parity is more than acceptable to you and you will live with it happily.

If the aunty at the party makes a snide comment about you being a stay-at-home dad, while your wife works, call her out and let her know that you were equally responsible for bringing your baby into the world and therefore equally responsible for its upbringing.

If your co-worker makes sexist jokes about the new girl in the office and her skirt, tell him off. Make sure he and others know it is not ok.

If they guy on the bus is staring at the woman sitting opposite him, move and stand in the way and make eye contact with him. I see you boy!

Girls – don’t put up with the judgement. Don’t let it get you down. You do you and you be you. Together we will outlive old notions of gender norms and encourage our children to be better.

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I recently visited the National Museum of Australia to go see a visiting exhibition from the British Museum of 100 objects from around the world that told the history of the world.

It was a fascinating exhibition which brought together artefacts from many places, religions, cultures and times into one room.

You can view some of the objects in the video below.

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I went a little crazy at the last 11/11 Black friday Ali express haul so I thought I would with you my purchases! Click on the video and watch me review the items and then click on the links to view the items online!

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Australia is a vast and varied continent, I am keen to explore as much of it as I can. To this end, I planned to see as much of Tasmania as I could in a week. I landed in Launceston airport from Sydney on Jetstar because Hobart would have been $80 dearer. If I am going in a circle – doesn’t really matter where I start does it? I hired a car on the spot from Redspot rentals who gave me a sedan for 8 days with unlimited kilometres for $200 less than their counterparts Budget and Avis.

We piled out luggage into the back and drove the 20 minutes from the airport to our hotel, the Comfort Inn Coach house in Launceston city. The roads in the city are narrow and steep and the hotel sits on a hill with lovely views, especially if you score an upstairs room. This is by no means a luxurious hotel but it had all the amenities and comforts we needed for our 1 night stay.

After dropping off our luggage we made our way to Cataract Gorge which is a wonderful place filled with peacocks and flowers. There are playgrounds for the kids, cafes and even a pool. The Gorge is famous for the longest single chairlift span in the world which was slightly scary but lots of fun. We finished our day in Launceston with some sightseeing inside the city such as the Queen Victoria Museum and Art Gallery, Franklin House, City Park and the waterfront and an early dinner as most places closed by 9pm. Some restaurant recommendations are: Mud Bar, Novaros, Youjing Chinese and Banjos Bakery café

The next day was our longest, we left Launceston in the morning and drove towards the north east coast to see the Bay of fires. Unfortunately we were met with grey rainy skies which meant the beautiful rocks along Binalong bay did not look like they were on fire but nonetheless it was a great pit stop.

From Binalong Bay we made our way down through St Helens to Freycinet national park. Our aim was to see Wineglass bay and Oyster Bay and stay the night. But the overcast weather meant there was no reason to do so and after our quick stops for a rest, some photos and coffee – we were off to Hobart. If you plan your trip and find more favourable weather, this would be a place to stay the night and do some activities and sight-seeing. We however, made our way to our Airbnb house in Fort Lauderdale, 20 min outside of Hobart. Our Airbnb house was amazing. 4 people lived comfortably for 4 days in a 2 storey house filled with all the amenities we needed and a back yard beach – the bay was just a sand dune away.

On our third day we went into Hobart in the morning and explored the city including, Mawson’s Huts Replica Museum, Museum of old and new art (MONA), Royal Tasmanian Botanical Gardens, Tasmanian Museum and Art Gallery and the Maritime Museum of Tasmania. If you have time, two places right outside the city worth exploring are, Mount Wellington and Cascades Female Factory where you can see where and how female prisoners were kept. From there we drove through Huon Valley and amongst endless apple and Cherry orchards to Dover, the fishing town. In Dover we spoke to local fisherman about their business and went to visit Huon Aquaculture to see how they farm Salmon. If you have time, make the extra trip to Southport which has more of both fishing and food. Make sure you stop along the way to buy the fresh apples and cherries from the orchards. The drive through Huon Valley was my favourite in the whole trip for its scenic coastal route with glimpses of beautiful sea and endless orchards.

Our fourth day started with the a trip to Sorrell fruit farm on the way to Port Arthur, for $20 adult entry, you get a container which you can fill to the brim with any fruit of your choosing and also eat as much as you can/want while inside. We had lots of fun picking and eating cherries, strawberries, apricots and tayberries. From there we made our way to Port Arthur Lavender Farm to stop at their lovely café and taste their lavender infused cuisine. The Lavender gardens, lavender products made and sold in house and the café were all lovely. A must visit.

Our final stop for the day was the Port Arthur historic site. A beautiful place with a slightly eerie aura, the prison is set at the entrance of a beautiful bay and surrounding by the ruins of the mental hospital, infirmary and guard tower. The commandant’s house and the free tours were informative and interesting glimpses into the lives of those who worked there and the beautiful gardens and parks were insight into the lives of those who lived there by choice. The ferry ride included in the ticket was accompanied by a very informative tour guide whose stories about the prisoners and their lives were mesmerising. If you go to Tasmania, you mustn’t miss a visit to Port Arthur.

Our fifth day and the final day of the year 2016, started with a trip to the Salamanca Markets where beautiful handmade objects, trinkets and homewares were made from Tasmanian pine and displayed for sale. From Hobart city, we made our way to Bruny Island via ferry from Kettering. The island itself is small and we made it to the light house at the very end of the south island in 1.5 hours. The short walk to the top of the hill is rewarded with picturesque views of endless Blue Ocean from the door of the lighthouse. Unfortunately for us, by the time we made it back to North Bruny Island, most of their cafes had closed (by 3:30pm) and we made the ferry journey back to Kettering and drove back to Hobart to have fresh seafood on the waterfront at Hobart city. There are many boats selling seafood here but flippers fresh seafood was the best rated on trip advisor as well as the best priced.

On our sixth day, we left Lauderdale and Hobart and made our way to Queenstown, stopping at Russell Falls for a quick detour hampered by rain which meant we cancelled our plans for our other pit stops (Ridson cove, Mount Wellington, Mole creek karst national park (caves) and Montezuma falls and drove straight to Queenstown in the pouring rain. We did stop just outside Queenstown at Iron Pot to look at the historic coal mine site where much gold and copper had been extracted from the mountain side. The drive into Queenstown is steep, mountainous and unforgiving, worse in the rain. We split the driving between three drivers to ensure everyone was alert and rested.

Our seventh day started with a 4 hour train ride on the West Coast wilderness railway which was a slow but sweet ride up the mountains towards the coast. Along the way we were regaled with the story of how two entrepreneurial men and their feud changed the fate of Queenstown. After a 4 hour journey and still unsettled from yesterday’s steep mountainous route, we decided to forgo our plan to head to Launceston via Cradle Mountain and instead drove to Burnie. The drive was still mountainous to begin with but soon evened out into greener fields as we headed to the North west coast of Tasmania. Burnie was my favourite stop in Tasmania for its fairy penguin spotting, its beautiful beach and its great seafood by the beach at Fish frenzy. If you have time you can also head out from here or Davenport to do small cruises. We decided to just relax and the on our final day, drive to Launceston airport and head back to Sydney.

We weren’t adventurous in our hiking or trekking but there were lots of options to do so! We don’t drink so we skipped the multitude of vineyards that were open and everywhere and we didn’t do any cruises, but our time was jam packed with activities and sightseeing, proving Tasmania really is a picturesque place with a holiday for everyone!

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