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I would like to share with you the history of Ramadan – the Muslim month of fasting. In the year 610 AD, the Holy Quran was revealed to the Prophet Muhammed on the night of Laylatul-Qadr which is also known as the Night of Power. This night falls in the month of Ramadan and as a result, fasting was prescribed to Muslims for the duration of this month in celebration. So, while the concept of fasting is and was practised by other faiths, and even by the prophet, the concept of Ramadan is specifically tied to the revelation of the Quran.

In the Quran in Surah 2, Ayah 185, Allah says, “The month of Ramadan [is that] in which was revealed the Qur’an, guidance for the people and clear proofs of guidance and criterion. So whoever sights [the new moon of] the month, let him fast it; and whoever is ill or on a journey – then an equal number of other days. Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship and [wants] for you to complete the period and to glorify Allah for that [to] which He has guided you; and perhaps you will be grateful.”

Thus began the Islamic ritual of fasting on the month of Ramadan. This ritual fast known as, Sawm, and is one of the five pillars of Islam. It requires that individuals abstain from eating, drinking, smoking and sexual intercourse between the hours of sun up and sun down. Beyond the physical abstinence, the reason Ramadan is known as the month of detoxing or training is explained to great effect by Nouman Ali Khan who explains that the ayah in Sura Baqara says fasting has been prescribed for you so that you may gain Taqwa. Taqwa means piety, but its literal meaning is also protection. Ramadan is the month in which you train and protect your heart to become stronger, more pious and closer to Allah by controlling your body and physical and material desires. My favourite takeaway from his video is min 14 to 16 when he says inna zalika min taqwal kuluub – the heart is the place of taqwa – which is a reference to sura Al Hajj ayah 32 where Allah swt says, ‘zalika waman yuaththim sha’aira Allahi fainnaha min taqwaalquloob’ which translates to ‘he who respects the Symbols of Allah, surely shows the piety of his heart.’ Nouman Ali Khan’s video about Ramadan I highly recommend and linked here.

Now – to answer some frequently asked questions.

What’s the point of Ramadan? In general, the practices of Ramadan are meant to purify oneself from thoughts and deeds which are counter to Islam. By removing material desires, one is able to focus fully on devotion and service to God. Many Muslims go beyond the physical ritual of fasting and attempt to purge themselves of impure thoughts and motivations such as anger, cursing, and greed.

Do all Muslims fast? Most Muslims believe Ramadan fasting is mandatory, but there are some groups that do not. In the Quran in Sura 2, Al-Baqara, Verse (ayah) 256 it includes the phrase that “there is no compulsion in religion”. So each person practices in the way they wish. I personally believe it is the intention rather than the act that is important. You can abstain from food and water all day but if you are cussing, angry and mean spirited during this fast then how much have you achieved the goal of Ramadan which is self-purification to attain closeness to God.

How do you fast in Islam? During the month of Ramadan, most Muslims fast from dawn to sunset with no food or water. Before sunrise many Muslims have the Suhur or predawn meal. At sunset families and friends gather for Iftar which is the meal eaten by Muslims to break the fast. Many Muslims begin the meal by eating dates as the Prophet Muhammad used to do.

Why is charity such a big part of Ramadan? Charity is an important part of Ramadan because the fast emphasizes self-sacrifice and using the experience of hunger to grow in empathy with the hungry. During Ramadan, Muslim communities work together to raise money for the poor, donate clothes and food, and hold iftar dinners for the less fortunate and or with interfaith and other community organisations.

Do you spend Ramadan studying the Quran? Many Muslims use Ramadan to read the entire Quran or read the Quran daily. Many communities divide the Quran into daily reading segments that conclude on Eid ul-Fitr at the end of Ramadan. To tie this back to my earlier reference about tawqa – protecting the heart can only come from a closeness to and an understanding of the Quran. Therefore the importance of studying the Quran in Ramadan cannot be emphasised enough.

I am not Muslim but I want to fast – can I? Non-Muslims are free to participate in Ramadan. Many non-Muslims fast and even pray with their Muslim friends or family members. Non-Muslims are often invited to attend prayer and iftar dinners. Those wishing to be polite to someone who is fasting for Ramadan may greet them with Ramadan Mubarak or Ramadan Kareem, which means have a Blessed or Generous Ramadan.

Do you have to fast if you are sick? Fasting during Ramadan is discouraged for those who are not of sound body or mind. Pregnant or breastfeeding mothers, people who are seriously sick, travellers, or those at health risk should not fast. Children that have not gone through puberty are also not required to fast during the month Ramadan.

Because the cycle of the lunar calendar doesn’t match the solar calendar, the dates of Ramadan shift approximately 11 days each year. This year Ramadan began on 26th May 2017 and will end in 29 or 30 days depending on the sighting of the moon. The end of Ramadan is marked by the holiday of Eid ul-Fitr. On Eid ul-Fitr, morning prayers are followed by feasting and celebration among family and friends. This year Eid ul-Fitr will most probably fall on Sunday 26th June and my video on Eid is here!

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Taking you along with me for a spot of shopping during Ramadan. Portmans is having a huge sale (like legit) over the long weekend and there’s some great hijabi friendly bargains to be had! And no this is not an ad. Wish it was! Sponsor me Portmans!
What I bought –
1. http://www.portmans.com.au/shop/en/portmans/sale/sale-tops/romy-ruffle-top-768442-1
2. http://www.portmans.com.au/shop/en/portmans/sale/sale-knitwear/frieda-bell-knit
3. http://www.portmans.com.au/shop/en/portmans/sale/new-to-sale/oriental-embroidered-shirt

What I liked –
1. http://www.portmans.com.au/shop/en/portmans/sophie-contrast-piping-shirt
2.  http://www.portmans.com.au/shop/en/portmans/sale/new-to-sale/tilli-eylet-trim-top
3. http://www.portmans.com.au/shop/en/portmans/jamie-velvet-loafer
4. http://www.portmans.com.au/shop/en/portmans/sale/new-to-sale/sara-bell-sleeve-top
5. http://www.portmans.com.au/shop/en/portmans/sale/new-to-sale/high-neck-ruffle-emb-shirt
6. http://www.portmans.com.au/shop/en/portmans/sale/sale-all-bottoms/metallic-pleated-skirt

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There is a very specific way in which our parents’ generation view gender norms, especially with regards to marriage for their children in western society. It is different to the culture they left behind when they migrated here (which has since progressed without them) and unlike the western culture in the country they now call home (which they find too ‘white’). Gendered hypocrisy in Bengali culture regarding marriage is a specific topic but its themes will resonate regardless of culture or marital status.

A while back, I was speaking to a friend about an arranged marriage prospect she was looking into, and she mentioned feeling the scrutiny of ‘aunties’ who wanted to know details of her life in order to find her a ‘good match’. These aunties do have a rightful place in Bengali culture where they effectively play the role of Tinder and the first few dates. Their detective work and CIA -like connections provide details of potential spouses that otherwise require multiple dates and a lot of ‘research’ aka online stalking – you know what I mean – who hasn’t googled a name and then looked into their FB, LinkedIn, Instagram etc etc.!

Anyway! These aunties are not perfect and many of them are a product of a socio-economic upbringing that reinforces Bangladeshi middle class stereotypes of gendered norms. So when these same women are tasked to ‘match up’ modern, young things living in a western country (or even modern young things from Bangladesh!) – There is a big discrepancy in what is acceptable and what they find acceptable.

Now that alone would be fine – everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but when you hold the soft glossy paper of a beautiful young woman’s bio data in your hands and you have the power to shape how other people will receive information about her – your prejudices can do more harm than good.

Case in point – a young man and woman in our ‘community’ started seeing each other. Word got out and here are a few ‘rumours’ that were spread:

‘That girl is so modern. Too modern! How shameful for her parents that she’s dating so openly in public’

‘You know her dad works really long hours, doesn’t have time to teach her anything and her mum let’s her do whatever she wants.’

‘Who will marry her now if she breaks up with him? EVERYONE knows about them!’

Notice something? Not a single one of these ‘rumours’ is about the young man. Instead the aunties, the uncles and the community all spread gossip about the girl and even her family. First of all – it is none of your business what she does and who she does it with. You aren’t neighbourhood watch and even if you were this isn’t a kidnapping. Secondly – why bring her parents into this? If you are going to judge someone, judge them on their actions alone. Don’t bring in their family! And lastly – don’t you remember being young and single? Don’t you remember facing this same barrage of scrutiny and relentless criticism? Have some empathy!

When the couple broke up – the same aunties went on to say, ‘I told you – no one wants a fast girl, they will date her but not marry her. It’s not in our culture’.

Again, completely missing from these conversations is any comment directed towards the other 50% of the equation – aka the young man. The woman is to blame for being interested in someone, for dating them AND for breaking up with them because of course it was her fault.

When these same women sat down to discuss matching up ‘kids’, they bring these rumours to the fore and mothers seeking ‘beautiful, young, white girls’ for their ‘handsome, accomplished sons’ will look aghast at the prospect and move on.

Does it matter to these aunties that the ‘handsome accomplished son’ who is stated as ‘6ft and fair’ in his bio data is actually 5’8 and not (that fair)? Nope

Does it matter that he’s had a string of girlfriends that everyone knows about? Nope.

Does it matter that he has bad habits and his partying and spending is out of control? Nope.

Why? Because in our culture the man is ‘young and impressionable’ and ‘biye korle shob thik hoi jabe’ which means ‘everything will be alright after marriage’ Why? How? Is it because you are going to marry him off to a virginal young woman who will magically be able to reign him in and discipline him in a way you as his mother have not been able to? She has to be young enough so that you can mould her to your liking, pretty enough to entice your son, but also mature enough to be able to discipline him.

Add to that now she has to be accomplished (but not more than him. God forbid she has a PhD and he doesn’t), she has to be shorter and younger than him (yes our men (or at least their mommies) have complexes.

I feel that even young men and women raised in western societies are not as progressive as we would like them to be because of the sheltered communities they live in and the lack of intelligence and broad mindedness in those spheres. Parents need to stop being scared of their kids becoming ‘white’ or out of control if they mix with broader society. Even people ‘back home’ in Bangladesh have moved on from such narrow thinking!

It has been disappointing to see young men and women go through this embarrassing rumour mill process and yet, once they are through, somehow forget all about it and continue to propagate these same stereo types and play the same ‘aunty role’. If you adopt this mindset even though you’ve had the good fortune to be raised in a more open and tolerant society, then you will only end up teaching your kids the same thing and not breaking this vicious cycle. So to the young men and women out there who are being matched up and entering the world of parenting, please make sure you teach your kids about being more accepting so that we eventually phase out these old fashioned stereotypes within the next generation or two!

Why? Because this mindset is not only narrow and unforgiving, it’s also dangerous. There are women out there who have genuinely admitted they would stay in abusive relationships if it meant financial security. There are young women out there who see their dads beating their mums and not doing anything about it. That’s hard to listen to. It takes great effort not just stand up to your parents but to acknowledge that change begins within yourself and that sometimes even though you are younger – you have to guide your elders.

I know I might sound really mean and/or prejudiced towards men. I am not trying to be. There are great men out there and I know many of them. But men – it’s also your responsibility to correct this incorrect way of thinking and approaching gender norms not only regarding marriage but in all walks of life.

If your mother brings you a bio data of an 18 yr old and you are a 31 yr old man – allow it man! How much will you have in common with someone so young? Let her live! And make sure your own bio data hasn’t been spun to talk up your height and complexion!

If your father tells you, ‘there is no point pursuing this girl, she earns more than you.’ Stand up for her and let them know that financial parity is more than acceptable to you and you will live with it happily.

If the aunty at the party makes a snide comment about you being a stay-at-home dad, while your wife works, call her out and let her know that you were equally responsible for bringing your baby into the world and therefore equally responsible for its upbringing.

If your co-worker makes sexist jokes about the new girl in the office and her skirt, tell him off. Make sure he and others know it is not ok.

If they guy on the bus is staring at the woman sitting opposite him, move and stand in the way and make eye contact with him. I see you boy!

Girls – don’t put up with the judgement. Don’t let it get you down. You do you and you be you. Together we will outlive old notions of gender norms and encourage our children to be better.

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I recently visited the National Museum of Australia to go see a visiting exhibition from the British Museum of 100 objects from around the world that told the history of the world.

It was a fascinating exhibition which brought together artefacts from many places, religions, cultures and times into one room.

You can view some of the objects in the video below.

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I went a little crazy at the last 11/11 Black friday Ali express haul so I thought I would with you my purchases! Click on the video and watch me review the items and then click on the links to view the items online!

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